I'm going to write about one of the most difficult times of my life in this post, and it's something that I still find very difficult to talk about, so please forgive me if this post is a little incoherent or messy.
So, between then and now I think that I have changed a lot, I'm a lot more serious now, sometimes I even would say I struggle to see the 'funny' side of some jokes or jibes. I value my family and my friends so much, they are the light in my life. I have become closed off, distant and if you catch me in the wrong mood, I shut down completely. Sometimes I miss the person that I was, but every little knock you face in life will leave a bump in your heart and although you recover, I, personally, think you hold onto a little bit of that pain... So you never forget of course, and so you can see how far you have come.
Last year, I lost a member of my family that I was incredibly close to, we spent Christmas with him, visited at least twice a week, and someone who I know, loved me, was incredibly proud of me, and who told me I was a beautiful person. We lost this person to depression, and then, suicide. It scares me to think about the number of person who are affected by depression. So many people I know have battled, or are battling, this awful illness. It upsets me to think about the stigma that is still attached to it. It's an awful, awful thing to go through or see someone you know go through. You can't see it, it can eat away at everything you were and you think you know, until, sometimes, you are completely unrecognisable to yourself. As someone from the outside, you see someone you love or care away, retreat and disappear and you try and try to help them come back and sometimes, it just isn't enough. Or in my family members case, it was never going to be enough. He was so far into the black hole that he couldn't see the way out. Ever.
I don't claim to be an expert, I can just talk about what I have personally been through.
I don't even know where to begin with suicide. For us, it quickly became a case of 'when' and not 'if'. The when arrived with a haze of devastatingly painful emotions. Grief, devastation, anger, hurt, and heartbreak. It was made worse by appearing on the internet, in news articles, in the newspaper. Journalists visiting the house. Inquires. It was ... Tragic. Traumatic. Painful. Even now, there are not enough words to express it.
And then there are the people left behind. A spouse. Family. Friends. Co workers. Acquaintances. Neighbours. All asking the same questions: why? How? I didn't realise he was that ill? How are you doing? Often, none of these questions have answers. There are not enough tears to wash away the pain, relieve the pressure on your mind. The pain ended for my family member, but was heightened for us and still haunts us today.
Today, I make sure I tell my family that I love them whenever I can. I talk to them practically every day, even though I am the other side of the world. We were in the midst of dealing with depression, siucide as grief while I was applying for my position here, so I almost feel like I have travelled through two different journeys; I was so happy about coming back to Mexico and so sad at the same time.
Because of this, I feel extra lucky to be here. At times it's hard, I miss home and wish I could be there supporting my family. However, I realise life has to go on and because of everything that has happened, I realise that you have to grab every opportunity that comes along and I would never want to regret not coming here... Leaving home again again was so hard, especially so soon after everything that happened, but I am so glad to be here, so thankful to have amazing people so share this experience with, both here in Mexico and at home, and now even more determined to hold onto the things that make me happy, feel fufilled and not look back on life with regrets or sadness. You never know what next challenge life is going to throw at you.
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