Act your shoe size, not your age.

To be honest, I've found it difficult to write a blog after my last post. It's such an important part of my life that I'm not able to put a big full stop after it all yet.  But I wanted to write another post, so here I am.

Recently, I have been fretting quite a lot about my age. I know this may sound crazy to a lot of people, after all, I'm 26 and I'm well aware that is young and hopefully, I have tons of time ahead of me to fulfill all my ambitions, hopes, and dreams. However, sometimes, I feel like I don't actually have that much time to do everything that I want to do and I am constantly comparing myself to people around me. A lot of my friends (my age and younger) have set up home or they're married or they have kids, they seem set up for life.  They are happy and responsible and stable.  And then I compare myself to them: single, living the other side of the world, racking up huge debts, no prospect of a good, stable job yet, only just graduated, when at home, living with parents and on the downhill slope to 30.  The age by which, it seems, most people have their shit together. 

The problem is, when it read it back like that, it sounds great to me.  Yes, I am single, but I am no way ready to get married yet, living the other side of the world... Well, I'm in Mexico, my second home, racking up debts that are totally worth it. No stable job to go back to because I'm deciding between a masters, pgce, or continue working abroad and I gained 'life' experience before I went to uni, working full time. I own my own house but I enjoy my parents company and I haven't exactly been in one place for a very long time these past four or five years. I always feel like I have to justify my life choices to myself to make sense of everything that I am doing.

The justification of my choices to myself, seems even to me, a bit ridiculous. Simply because I'm not sure that I would change anything. So to constantly compare myself and what I have achieved to other people is a pointless exercise. I think it's because I'm not doing any of the 'grown up' things, I still enjoy doing the same things I did when I was in my early twenties, except now, I think I do them all with a little more self assurity. 

I'm not sure when I will be ready to 'grow up' and start acting like an 'adult'. I can see myself travelling, reading, going to pop concerts, and soberly dancing the night away for the foreseeable future. Does this make me immature? Should I be going to cheese tastings and hosting garden parties just because I feel like I should be doing this? Should I stop listening to pop music and perhaps move on to something more 'mature'? Isn't it better that I do what makes me happy? 

A very important person has said to me on a number occasions, "don't worry about what you think you should be doing, do what makes you happy!" That simple sentence, thought, or idea is becoming increasingly more important and relevant to me everyday. Maybe I should make a late New Years resolution and remind myself to do what I want to do from here on out, instead of conforming to some ridiculous idea that life has set rules and deadlines. 

We all go through so much on a day to day basis, we do not need to add extra pressure to our daily lives, pressure that is completely unnecessary. So I'm going to carry on acting how I want, doing what makes me happy.  So please excuse me while I go write my Disney bucket list. 

Reflections.

On the 11th January 2011 I arrived in Mexico for the first time. I was bewildered, amazed, overwhelmed and I don't think it would have even crossed my mind that two years on, I would be back. I don't think it's unfair to say that after coming back from Mexico the first time round, my life has been challenging. To be honest though, I think that everyone's life is challenging, and it is truly a testament to human strength and determination that we get through those difficult times.

I'm going to write about one of the most difficult times of my life in this post, and it's something that I still find very difficult to talk about, so please forgive me if this post is a little incoherent or messy. 

So, between then and now I think that I have changed a lot, I'm a lot more serious now, sometimes I even would say I struggle to see the 'funny' side of some jokes or jibes. I value my family and my friends so much, they are the light in my life. I have become closed off, distant and if you catch me in the wrong mood, I shut down completely. Sometimes I miss the person that I was, but every little knock you face in life will leave a bump in your heart and although you recover, I, personally, think you hold onto a little bit of that pain... So you never forget of course, and so you can see how far you have come. 

Last year, I lost a member of my family that I was incredibly close to, we spent Christmas with him, visited at least twice a week, and someone who I know, loved me, was incredibly proud of me, and who told me I was a beautiful person. We lost this person to depression, and then, suicide. It scares me to think about the number of person who are affected by depression. So many people I know have battled, or are battling, this awful illness. It upsets me to think about the stigma that is still attached to it. It's an awful, awful thing to go through or see someone you know go through. You can't see it, it can eat away at everything you were and you think you know, until, sometimes, you are completely unrecognisable to yourself. As someone from the outside, you see someone you love or care away, retreat and disappear and you try and try to help them come back and sometimes, it just isn't enough. Or in my family members case, it was never going to be enough. He was so far into the black hole that he couldn't see the way out. Ever. 

I don't claim to be an expert, I can just talk about what I have personally been through. 

I don't even know where to begin with suicide. For us, it quickly became a case of 'when' and not 'if'. The when arrived with a haze of devastatingly painful emotions. Grief, devastation, anger, hurt, and heartbreak. It was made worse by appearing on the internet, in news articles, in the newspaper. Journalists visiting the house. Inquires. It was ... Tragic. Traumatic. Painful. Even now, there are not enough words to express it. 

And then there are the people left behind. A spouse. Family. Friends. Co workers. Acquaintances. Neighbours. All asking the same questions: why? How? I didn't realise he was that ill? How are you doing?  Often, none of these questions have answers. There are not enough tears to wash away the pain, relieve the pressure on your mind. The pain ended for my family member, but was heightened for us and still haunts us today. 

Today, I make sure I tell my family that I love them whenever I can. I talk to them practically every day, even though I am the other side of the world.  We were in the midst of dealing with depression, siucide as grief while I was applying for my position here, so I almost feel like I have travelled through two different journeys; I was so happy about coming back to Mexico and so sad at the same time.

Because of this, I feel extra lucky to be here. At times it's hard, I miss home and wish I could be there supporting my family. However, I realise life has to go on and because of everything that has happened, I realise that you have to grab every opportunity that comes along and I would never want to regret not coming here... Leaving home again again was so hard, especially so soon after everything that happened, but I am so glad to be here, so thankful to have amazing people so share this experience with, both here in Mexico and at home, and now even more determined to hold onto the things that make me happy, feel fufilled and not look back on life with regrets or sadness.  You never know what next challenge life is going to throw at you. 

Living life in a different language

Although this may seem very obvious, living life in a foreign language does indeed pose some problems. I feel lucky that before coming to Mexico this time round, I was somewhat familiar with the culture and indeed the language.  The Spanish that I learnt at university differs quite a lot from the Spanish that I speak here, not just in the accent (so much easier to understand a Mexican accent!) but the vocabulary, the grammar structures and colloquial language. For me, it's quite difficult to explain this because as a native English speaker, I recognise the differences between British English and American English, I can pick them out, I can mock (in jest, of course) the pronunciation of certain words or the accent, but it never really causes any problems.  However, when you translate these aspects of a language into your second/third language, things never seem to go as smoothly.  At times, it still really feels like I do not speak any Spanish, not that I'm a graduate that has lived in Mexico for however many months! 

The problems and difficulties aside, I get a lot of enjoyment from living my life in a foreign language. It may sound odd but I think understanding Mexican Spanish gives you a different insight into the culture and after a while, you understand a bit more about the Mexican people as a whole.  For example, Mexicans have a wickedly dirty sense of humour, they love play on words and double entendres. You think you are saying something completely innocent, clean, and not intending to sound dirty or sexual at all... And then, in response you get a raised eyebrow and a giggle. Also, Mexicans tend to use a lot of words in daily speech that, if you were to translate them, equate as swear words into English.  It's okay to use these groserías or swear words in pretty much any situation (probably wouldn't use them in front of the head teacher of my school or elderly people), these words can be so expressive! Once again though, you'll probably get laughed at (not in a malicious way) because hearing a foreigner swear in their non native tongue is always fairly amusing! 

Sometimes it can be a struggle to express yourself and your personality in a foreign language, the struggle to find a particular word can make sentences or phrases sound quite awkward and I find myself babbling '... You know, that thing that is like....', usually I'm understood and it's so satisfying to find that word that seems as clear as day to you in English but completely elusive in Spanish. I always feel a sense of achievement when I make people laugh in Spanish too, often because I am saying what I would say in English but in Spanish...!  I still have to stop myself at times when I realise I am holding my own in a conversation in Spanish and I feel like I sound like myself, saying exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. 

Another interesting (and in my opinion, pretentious) development is that occasionally I cannot remember the English word for something.  I know the Spanish word, I can picture the image of said word in my mind but the English word has just vanished. Another time where I use the forever faithful '... You know, that thing that is...' but this time in English! I'm not sure if it's because my Spanish is improving, I've shoved so much random information into my brain that it cannot take anymore, or because I'm simply getting old.  I wouldn't even say that I'm good at Spanish, I get by and I wish I could understand how the brain works when it learns another language.  How it just knows what a word in a different language means without having to actively translate it or search for the native equivilent. For me, it truly is fascinating. 

I often wonder what it will be like when I get back to England. To be able to understand peoples random chatter on buses or in coffee shops. To not have people look at you oddly if you take a split second too long to respond because you haven't quite understood what they have said. To not have people asking me where I am from every time I speak Spanish.  I think it will all be quite strange; I think all of this makes up the Mexican part of me. 

Trials and tribulations

This time round, my stay in Mexico hasn't been plain sailing. Don't get me wrong, I've had and am still having an amazing time here, full of unique and eye opening experiences but I'm also having the unfortunate pleasure of being quite ill.

My first piece of advice would be to always, always take out travel insurance! Before, I never really saw the importance of it, I'm not one to place huge value on my possessions, my camera isn't worth a lot of money, my laptop is replaceable and although I'd be very annoyed and upset to have my iPad stolen, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I never once even considered the importance of the medical part of my travel insurance. I just took out insurance as habit, really. Luckily as well, I am fortunate enough to be covered by social security, so should I have my operation or need emergency care, it will all be covered. If I wasn't covered though and without travel insurance I would definitely be in a pickle. 

After years and years of having various stomach/abdominal/digestive complaints, I come to Mexico and suffer from several nights of excruciating pain, I'm talking pain that causes everything else to seem like a blur, pain that causes me to vomit and fills me full of haziness. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I have suffered with these episodes before, I had visited British doctors before and been sent away with antacids or painkillers. This time though, the Mexican doctors sent me for tests, I've had ultrasounds, x rays, blood tests (all of which I've had to pay for so far... Insurance, people!), a gazillion tablets and been diagnosed with gallstones, as well as having repeated bouts of colitis. The doctors have told me I need to have an operation to remove my gallbladder. Now, anyone who knows me well would realise that an operation would put the fear of god in me... Even if I were at home. Being the other side of the world, without my family, and where everything is in medical jargon Spanish and having to contemplate being operated on is, frankly, terrifying. 

Of course, this isn't what I expected when I decided to come back to Mexico and although it's not really impacting on my enjoyment of being here at all, it has meant that I've had to make some pretty drastic changes to mi vida mexicana. The most notable is that i cannot eat much fat... So, no tacos, quesadillas, nachos, tortas, chocolate, pizza... Not until my gallbladder is out or I'll suffer further excruciating pain and a visit to a&e. Also no alcohol. No cerveza, no tequila, nada. This is an extreme healthy living kick! On the plus side, I'm eating more fruit and vegetables, minimal dairy and I've discovered I can enjoy going out without being drunk! No hangover! HURRAH! 

I'm in two minds as to whether I should have the operation or not. I have an appointment with a specialist in March, but I have very exciting travel plans in April so don't want to be worrying about post op care and after April, well, to be honest, I will have got through the majority of my time here being ill so would just wait to go home. I also have the option of feigning/having pain bad enough to go to emergencies and having an emergency operation.. I'm really not the biggest fan of that option either.  At the moment I am just waiting. Taking each day and each temptation as it comes. 

It's really not ideal to be ill while you are working the other side of the world, obviously but in a way I am quite proud of myself for getting this far, I could have easily given up and gone home.  But that'd be very unlike me. and besides, this is going to make for a hell of a story in years to come. 

Hola desde México... de nuevo!

After managing one entry on my blog from Mexico last time round, I have decided to embark upon the blogging bandwagon once again.  I hope that this time round, nearly two years after my last Mexican adventure, I can find the time to write more than one blog entry.

So, what's different this time round?  I am a graduate, no longer with the pressures of having to improve my Spanish for final year, I can simply enjoy learning the language and this has made me a lot more relaxed when it comes to speaking.  I am working as a English language assistant in a technical secondary school here in Guadalajara, it's been an amazing opportunity for me so far and the responsibility means I have partied a tiny bit less than last time I was here.  Mexico is still the same country that continues to enthrall and amaze me and to be honest, I do not think I will ever tire of visiting and experiencing this fascinating culture.

It is quite strange because before coming to Mexico I never quite understood what it meant to 'leave your heart in x', and now I do.  England is my home, and I do miss the beautiful Suffolk countryside and my family, I think that I will continue to have a bond with Mexico, a country that indeed does have it's problems and is no way perfect but it's also a country that is so multifaceted and layered that it would almost take a life time to fully discover all of it's depth and mystery.

For example, you only need to look at the diversity of it's landscape.  Mexico is a huge, huge country, a fact I didn't fully comprehend until trying to plan trips!  Take the north of the country, there, the states experience highs of over 40oC in the summer and freezing temperatures during the winter.  Jalisco, where I live, is blessed with a temperate climate pretty much all year round, down south, you can experience jungles in Chiapas and then take the Yucatan peninsula, akin to the Caribbean, hurricanes and all.

The diversity of the culture is mirrored in exactly the same way, through the food, folklore, history.  It's fascinating and it has well and truly captured my heart.  I may not have expressed my love for this country as eloquently as many others have done before me, I do not claim to be an expert about the country or the culture, and I don't know what will happen when I return to England in July or when I will come back, but I am pretty certain I will come back, I think a part of me will be left here and I will also take a tiny bit of this incredible, amazing, enchanting country back home with me.

"I felt completely at home in Mexico - speaking Spanish to my cousins, running around Acapulco and stuffing my face with mole and homemade tortillas. Mexico opened my heart."Aimee Garcia