Facing your fears.

Facing my fear of flying!

I'm writing this 36,000 feet in the air, while I am confronting one of my biggest fears: flying. I hate to fly, I don't find any of the experience pleasant, I get nervous before I fly, while I'm on the plane and really only feel relief wash over me when I'm through passport control, customs and away from the airport. I will say that I am lucky in the respect that this fear, although extremely unpleasant, doesn't paralyse me, I am still able to take a flight without having an anxiety attack, I'm just in a heightened sense of nervousness, nausea and every time we experience  a slight bump or the seatbelt sign is turned on due to turbulence, I panic.

I'm also afraid of heights. I get sweaty palms and butterflies when there are shots of heights on television or in films. When I visited the Grand Canyon, I stayed well away while other people took amazing photos of themselves standing on the edge. I get nervous when I go to the sea side and walk along the pier and I can see the sea underneath me through the spaces in the boardwalk, but the thing that I am most proud of is that I do it. 

When we are afraid of something, we can turn from rational, logical human beings into irrational messes. A fear causes every fibre in our bodies to quiver, fills our mind with improbable and entirely negative thoughts and I know that if you have a full blown phobia of something it can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome. I decided that if I want to make the most of whatever comes my way I have, to a certain degree, face my fears and push myself through those boundaries. I came to the conclusion that what I am afraid of isn't what it seems, for example, I'm not afraid of the height itself, I'm afraid of falling. I know that I am an anxious person, I worry about the consequences and the what ifs, but I also don't want to miss out on opportunities because I'm afraid of a what if. It doesn't necessarily have to be a big life changing opportunity: I will force myself to go on a rollercoaster that has a steep climb or vertical drop (I'm looking at you, The Smiler, Saw: The Ride, Rip, ride, rockit) if it means I get to experience the pure adrenaline rush of the other twists, turns and drops of the coaster. I will take a flight if it means I can travel to far away countries. It doesn't mean that my fears become lesser or overcome, just that I'm choosing not to let them control or dominate me. 

I don't know where my fears originated from. I flew from a young age, my fear of heights developed when in my twenties. I'm a little teeny tiny bit (okay, a lot) afraid of the dark because I don't like the unknown out there but I can't stop the night rolling in every evening so all I can do is be brave and take a step into the dark, close my eyes or find a source of light. When I fly, I step onto the plane, breathe calmly and focus on my destination. If I'm up high, I don't look down, or when I'm comfortable, I allow myself a little peek and say to myself "I'm okay". 

Throughout my life, I know I'm going to face other, currently undiscovered fears and phobias but I have also come to the conclusion that I'm not really going to be able to stop them or life coming at me so if I can, I might as well employ whatever strategy I can to keep them at bay or under control. I am proud every time I go to the doctors, walk in the dark, or see a cockroach and don't scream. My fears make me who I am and make me a little bit stronger when I confront them. Just don't ask me to get a spider out of the bath, I'm definitely not ready for that shit yet. 

Life lately #1

1. Busy April plans! 2. Cooking by candlelight - no electricity!
3. Wise words from Walt.  4. Sunshine selfie.

April is well and truly upon us now and I am so excited for it to be here!  School breaks up for Easter holidays which means that it is time for me to embark on my travels, after months of excitement and anticipation.  First up, as I'm sure you are well aware by now ('cause I haven't really spoken about it much) is my birthday trip to Florida!  Planning for a Disney/Universal trip seems to have to be very meticulous and although I've had the majority of it organised for me, I've enjoyed looking up the different attractions, restaurants, and the local area.  Once we arrive back in Mexico, we have a few hours sleep and then we are off to Ajijic again for a few nights.  It'll be my birthday when we arrive, we decided on a little pick-me-up to help avoid the post-Disney blues and I'm always so grumpy on my birthday!  I really liked Ajijic last time we were there and it's the perfect spot to unwind and chill by the pool.  After Ajijic, the suitcase will be packed again as we are flying to Los Cabos and another few days of beach and pool relaxation!  I am feeling very lucky to have all of these plans coming up.

1. Black pepper chicken salad.  2. Disney princess hair.
3. Getting pin trading ready! 4. Feelin' hot hot hot. 

The past few weeks here have flown by but I have managed to find time to enjoy the soaring temperatures here in Guadalajara.  Spring has very much sprung and each day temperatures reach at least thirty degrees.  It's getting very hot and honestly, the hour commute to and from school is a mission.  Apart from sunburn (I get burnt if I spend 15 minutes outside without suncream), the heat is very tiring and after a day at work, I'm happy to relax reading or watching television.  Not very cultural but sometimes needs must!  The hot weather tends to destroy appetites too, so I have not wanted to eat heavy, big meals.  A fresh, crisp salad is perfect for a light, tasty meal and gallstone friendly too.  Fortunately, my gallstones have been pain-free for a while and I'm hoping that it will continue.  My diet is still pretty much fat free but I have been allowing myself mini treats every now and again to help curb cravings.  We found a fat free froyo place and it's been so nice to eat something that I loved in my pre-diagnosis days!  At times it has been difficult to resist fatty foods but I have learnt a lot of different ways that you can make a meal fat free.  Pinterest is amazing for recipes.

I have less than 100 days left here in Mexico now, which means I have some big decisions to make when I get home.  The time has really flown by and it feels odd to be counting down to my return to England. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and cats but I'm already anticipating the reverse culture shock, I've become very accustomed to the Mexican way of life: transport, food, money... Britain will be a huge shock to the system! All good things do indeed have to come to an end but already, I have some ideas for the next big adventure! If anything, this year has made me realise that I want to have different life experiences, I want to live my life in different places but know that I will always return home to Suffolk and my family. I'm so fortunate to have these opportunities so I fully intend on pushing myself and taking decisions that aren't initially the easiest but pay off in the long run.

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - that's all that matters." Audrey Hepburn. 

Happy April! 

Bikini body? Sure.

I love the summer, long balmy days full of sunshine, warmth, the chance to get my pasty white legs out in denim shorts or pretty tea dresses and sandles. Something that I do not like about the summer is the insane bombardment from magazines, websites, newspapers, and clothes shops, about getting in shape for our bikini bodies. I know this is a topic that has been debated time and time again, but for me personally, as some one who doesn't have the perfect 'bikini body' and feels pressure to try and achieve this unattainable goal, it really upsets and infuriates me.

Firstly, the bikini body pressure isn't about being healthy; isn't about ensuring that our bodies are working to the best of their ability, and isn't about cutting the risk of cancer, heart disease or diabetes. It's purely about looking a certain way, fitting into a certain dress size, or conforming to what we are told is beautiful. It's not even there to make us feel good about ourselves, in our bodies. You are allowed to feel good if, and only if, you meet a certain criteria that isn't possible for a lot of women. It doesn't just affect those who have wider hips, bigger tummies or boobs, but women who are also deemed too thin and too skinny. Of course, I am not advocating being unhealthy, but it is possible to be fit and healthy and heaven forbid, WEAR A BIKINI even if you are not a size X. 

Secondly, maybe this is just me, but all of these articles, tips, "advice" only encourage women to hate their bodies. If our body isn't perfect, it's not good enough and therefore, we are not good enough. We are encouraged to pick flaws in other peoples bodies - "oh, look at her love handles, bingo wings etc" - women are pitted against each other, criticising ourselves and others. It works the other end of the scale too: we are taught to admire those who dare to flaunt their imperfect bodies. Why do we do either? Why can't we just accept every body? Why are we always criticising or admiring other people? Why can't we just be? 

I'm not the first person to have said any of this, I won't be the last, and I probably haven't put it in the most eloquent way; but it is something very personal to me. As I said earlier, I'm far from having the bikini body that is portrayed in glossy magazines or health websites, but if I want to wear one, why can't I wear one without fear of being judged or my body being frowned upon?  I want to wear clothes simply because I like them, not because they make my bum look smaller, my waist slimmer and my boobs bigger. If it's hot, I want to wear short shorts and tiny tops and not be repulsed by my own body because I have a "muffin top".  The horrible and worrying thing is that I do feel this disgust and repulsion at my own body because I feel like I will never compare or compete with the beautiful, stunning models, and to be honest, I don't want to compare myself to them. I'm pressured by anonymous, face less articles written online saying I should being doing this and that, and if I don't I will forever be unattractive. Everyone has their body worries, and for me, it's so sad because in reality we don't need to worry about these things. 

We are all so quick to put labels on ourselves: fat, thin, curvy, boyish, chubby, great body, skinny. Why not label ourselves healthy, happy, comfortable in our own skin, regardless of size or shape? I am still fighting an inner battle with myself and my sense often still loses, but who the hell has the right to say what we should look like? People feel they have the right to criticise or "suggest" ways to improve other peoples bodies, but who put them in charge to think they can judge our appearance? If you want to lose weight to be healthy, or adjust your diet to forge a better relationship with food, fine. But do it because YOU want to, not because you feel you have to. Or worse still, because someone makes you feel you have to. 

Life is too short for us to spend so many years hating ourselves and our bodies. Feel confident in your skin, wear what you want, when you want, what you feel comfortable in: bikini, one piece, tankini... Whatever your size. We are beautiful, we are unique, we are us. 

Disney to-do.

If you know me, you will know that I have an upcoming trip to Walt Disney World and Universal Studios this month for my birthday. I have been scouring the many, many planning and information websites and to be honest, I have thoroughly enjoyed mapping out my days and where we are going to eat and when. I have had a 'serious' to do list on my wall for the past few months, full of all the less fun things like insurance, transfers etc (it's still kinda fun for a nerd like me...). Although I am no stranger to Disney parks, it will be the first time that I'm visiting WDW and Universal Studios so I have compiled my mini to do list to get me (even more) in the mood!

1. Dine with the Disney princesses in the Magic Kingdom Castle. 

I am super excited to say that this will definitely be happening! We managed to bag one of the hottest reservations in the Disney parks and on the 13th April (my unofficial birthday!), we will be having breakfast with Cinderella and the other princesses at Cinderella's Royal Table. They even do a healthy breakfast and are aware of my fat-free food situation so I know it will definitely be the best start ever to my unofficial 27th birthday! 

2. Visit Hogsmeade/Wizarding World of Harry Potter

If I wasn't fit to burst with just the Disney parks, the prospect of visiting Universal and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter will pretty much do it. Ever since the park opened a few years back, I have been itching to get there and try butterbeer in the sunshine (it was quite chilly when I visited the Warner Bros studio). Also, I have heard so many things about the Hogwarts ride... I will wait however long it takes to get me in there. The roller coaster geek in me cannot wait to get on the Dueling Dragons (Dragon Challenge now it's been Harry Potterified), I have read about that coaster for years. Oh yeah, and the wands, I really want to choose a wand ... (Or let the wand choose me). Can you tell I'm excited yet?

3. Dole whip 

It was only a matter of time before food appeared really, wasn't it? Oh dole whip, fat free delicious dole whip! I can't wait to have this Animal Kingdom pineappley goodness in my tummy. I haven't been able to eat ice cream since I was diagnosed with gallstones, and I love ice cream, so frankly, I will be in my own mini slice of food heaven when I take my first lick of almost ice cream in 6 months. Yummmm! 

4. Pin trading

Although I have visited Disneyland Paris several times and Disneyland Anaheim before, I have never traded pins! To be honest, I didn't really know much about what it involved up until recently but now I do, I can't wait to get started! You can trade pins with any cast member in the park and other guests too. To me, it's another way that Disney make their parks a truly interactive and never-ending-fun experience. Also, although I love all of the Disney souvenirs, literally all of them, I often find them quite expensive for my shoestring budget and I always have to ask myself if I would pay £25 for a t shirt at home, and the answer is no. I have a million mugs and pens and key rings so I often don't worry about buying anything except a fridge magnet. Pins are the perfect compromise! I love collectible things that trigger memories so I will buy a couple of pins and forever be reminded of "that time I was in Disney in whatever year". 

5. Big Thunder Mountain

It may not be the scariest or the most thrilling of roller coasters but it will always be one of my favourites. A good, old fashioned runaway train roller coaster, a few thrills and spills but more often than not, you will just find yourself laughing the whole way round the track, hands in the air and just enjoying the ride. This ride was closed when we visited Disneyland in January so I am extra looking forward to hopping aboard. 

Finally, it doesn't really count as a to-do but I'm so looking forward to taking lots of photos that will be with me forever. To me, photos are a memory that I can hold in my hands so I will probably go snap happy and take hundreds of photos. I haven't even been yet but am already planning my next trip in my mind! 

A New York Winter's Tale - a mini-review

I never usually write book reviews, I leave that to the other excellent reviewers on Goodreads. However, every now and again a book comes along that I seem to have a difficult relationship with, and Mark Helprin's A New York Winter's Tale is one of those books. 

I first came across the book on a "what to read before the adaptation hits the cinema" list, and to be honest, I love to read book-film adaptations. After seeing the film, I made sure that Helprin's book was my next read.  Firstly, the book is really nothing like the film, they only share themes and a loose story line connection so if you adored the film and wanted to see how it read on the page, maybe you will be disappointed. The second thing I couldn't help but notice is that the book is really quite long, so if you are looking for an easy, quick read, again, it might not be for you. 

A New York Winter's Tale is a book that needs time to be dedicated to it and is for those who are willing to give a book time to unfold a complicated and intricate storyline, that jumps to different periods of time where the character's lives criss cross and intertwine. It's a book for readers that truly love to read, those who want a book to challenge them and provide more than just escapism in it's purest form. Of course, there is nothing wrong with books that you can fly through and lose yourself turning each page as you easily absorb each word without consciously realising, I love those books too! 

One of the most memorable things about this book is that it is truly beautifully written, as I said, it challenged me, I found myself looking up words (miasma!) and getting lost in the descriptive passages of the city and the landscape: I felt that New York City was alive, a creature growing, evolving, and hiding many secrets in its complex and diverse streets. It was a treat to read passages so lush and creative in their language.  As beautiful as it was, it sometimes served as detrimental to the storyline itself, I got so lost in the descriptions that I forgot how it drove the story or for what purpose. 

The writing works well alongside the book's genre of magical realism. I understand that this genre is either love or hate for a lot of readers, and for me personally, I quite enjoy it but you have to suspend your disbelief. A story about the stars, people who live for hundreds of years, a mythical horse and lake people that blends with the hustle bustle of mythic New York City during the industrial era as well as a modern day version, though distinctly different from our own.

It's difficult to sum up this book in a quasi review and my main problem is that I didn't feel satisfied at the end of the 700-odd page book. I had been through a journey with these characters but I didn't feel complete at the end. Maybe this book deserves and needs a second read in order to unravel the detailed commentaries on life, love, and morals. All and all, a remarkably written piece of magical realism, but one that requires a lot of time to truly immerse yourself in the story. 

A weekend in... Zacatecas, Zacatecas.

The state of Zacatecas borders the northern highlands of Mexico and it's capital city of the same name is beautiful, colonial city.  Steeped in history and culture, Zacatecas offers a delightful insight into the importance of both art and, surprisingly, silver mining.  Two cultural aspects that seem so very far apart but live together serenely among desert-like countryside.  

We stayed at the Hotel Emporio Zacatecas, which is located in the heart of the city, just opposite the beautiful cathedral and was the perfect base for exploring the city on foot.  Once again, something that always seems to be the best way of exploring small Mexican cities, you can meander through (and up and down) the small streets which twist and turn, often leading to bustling plazas or hidden temples.  

The city has a variety of museums which display the talents of local artists as well as other historical artifacts.  The Museo Rafeal Coronel is the home to work of the Zacatecano artist which is set in the ruins of a former convent, the results are magnificent.  The location is so stunning that local girls use it for the backdrop for quinceañeras and wedding photos.  The crumbling walls are surrounded by charming gardens, made even more splendid by a cloud free blue sky.   The museum is also home to hundreds of ceremonial, festival, and death masks and gives comprehensive explanations of their history, use and craftsmanship.  

On the other end of the scale, a trip down into the Mina Eden, a former silver mine, displays the stark contrast between the demand for the precious metal and the horrendous treatment of local indigenous people who were basically enslaved to mine the silver.  Our incredibly knowledgeable guide told us that every day 1 in 3 of the workers died in the mine.  The mine originally had seven levels but now the bottom 2 (I believe) are flooded by crystal clear water, full of minerals and deathly still.  The guide informed us of all the local legends and ghost stories, gave us a peso to make a wish into the fountain, and even stole us quartz from the rock.  The Mina is also home to a nightclub/bar where you can dance away the night underneath the twinkling quartz.  A must visit destination in one of the most famous silver cities in Mexico. 

From the Mina you are able to take a cable car (teleférico) across the roofs of the city to the Cerro de la Bufa, a hill that dominates the landscape of the city.  At the top of the hill, you have amazing panoramic vistas of the colourful little houses on the steep streets and the domes of the grandiose colonial churches.  There are also statues of the Mexican revolutionaries (one of which is the grandfather of our mine tour guide!) and a quaint temple.  We then enjoyed (!) a trek down the hill back into the town, good walking shoes required but easier going down the hill than up!

Typical of Mexico, Zacatecas offers a wide range of Mexican and international cuisine, and as typical of me and my gallstones, I was very limited with what I could eat.  However, we had delicious meals that left me
feeling satisfied and pleased that I could eat more than a sandwich.  The Mykonos Cocina Mediterranea does what it says on the tin and does it very well at that.  A good selection of Mediterrean cuisine that was delicious, I had Spaghetti arrabiata, which was very tasty with a lovely kick of chilli and black pepper.  Also, amazing humous and flatbread.  We also ate in El Mercader, situated in an old market place, wonderful salads, pasta and Mexican food.  Also delicious limonada (I have made it my mission to sample limonada in each place I travel to!).

Zacatecas was a perfect, relaxing weekend away.  A small but charming city, with lots to do and plenty of opportunities to sit and soak up the Mexican atmosphere if you'd simply prefer to do that.

"There is no friend as loyal as a book"

Reading has been a massive part of my life for as long as I can remember.  Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of my Nanna helping me read and throughout my life I can pin point certain moments because of what book I was reading.  Books can offer us guidance or answers when we are feeling lost or broken, they comfort us, they pass the hours in a more engaging manner than just passively watching the television (although I do enjoy this too...) and what better feeling is there than seeing that it's 1.30 or 2am but you are so engrossed in a book that you don't want to put it down or go to sleep.  Just one more chapter...!

In this blog, I'm going to talk a little bit about 5 books that have made an impact on me or have further flamed my love for reading.

1. The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

When people ask me what my favourite book is, I always go straight to The Catcher in the Rye.  I first read this as part of my English Literature class during my A Levels and I was going through a rough time, I was 16/17 years old, feeling a bit lost and hopeless in the world, unhappy with things that I wasn't really sure why or even how to make them right, and having to make big decisions like university.  Then we read this book in class and to be honest, and, at fear of sounding cheesy, it spoke to me.  Holden was my age, feeling a lot of the same emotions that I was and the themes are so perfect for an adolescent  (and to some extent, grown up me!): loneliness, the pains of growing up, how fake the adult world is, Holden's protective 'barrier' from the rest of the world that only serves to cause him more pain.  Holden Caulfield has become a literary hero for the thousands of people that call The Catcher in the Rye their favourite book.  Although, Holden isn't my hero as such, the vividness of the writing and the fact that the themes hit home so much caused me to think about myself and even now, reading some of the passages from the book break my heart a little that we can hurt so much and not realise or choose to ignore it.

This book heavily influenced another one of my favourite reads and coming-of-age novels, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.


2. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am."

The Bell Jar was introduced to me by another keen reader who probably knows me better than I know myself.  It is a book that I will always remember as one that was there for me during an extremely difficult part of my life.  Plath's life was sad and so tragic and The Bell Jar almost autobiographical.  The Bell Jar is also a coming-of-age story but as Esther, the protagonist, gets older, she falls into depression and madness.  The book is very critical of psychiatric care and the 'treatment' they used during the 1950s is shocking.  Plath describes honestly and accurately the thoughts that run through a depressed mind, however she does it in a hauntingly beautiful and sometimes funny way.  The Bell Jar remained in mind for a long time after I read and I think that she has put down in words what you feel when you are so despairingly sad, the twisted logic,emptiness and disappointed and hurt by the world.  A beautiful, heart-wrenching emotional book.


3. The Book Thief - Markus Zusak

"Because the world does not deserve them."

The Book Thief is one that I read recently and I have never been through such a rollercoaster of emotions with one book. Set in Nazi Germany and narrated by Death, it is not a read that you get through in an evening.  It's not necessarily happy.  It broke my heart, the first book to make me cry since Marley & Me.  Books written about the First or the Second World War always drive a knife into my heart, I, like so many people, find them so harrowing.  I was really drawn to the character or narrator of Death, he struggles to understand humans, how they can be so kind and so evil at the same time.  I ask myself if we don't all struggle to understand that aspect of being a human being at some point in our lives.  The Book Thief made me laugh, cry, disgust at the actions of some humans at all the same time.  It was one of those books that I could not put down and would stay up late at night, devouring all the words in the same way the Liesel learns to read.  A sparkling story, written with so much human emotion, and one that challenges you and also for me, the way I act and how I treat people.


4.  Stardust - Neil Gaimen

"There is something about riding a unicorn, for those people who still can, which is unlike any other experience: exhilarating, and intoxicating, and fine."

I enjoy reading fantasy but I usually use it as a go-to genre for relaxing, unwinding and switching off from the rest of the world.  I read Stardust because I saw the film adaptation, and it generally goes for me, if I loved the film, I am more than likely going to love the book.  Stardust is a relatively short novel but it's magic and love story whisks me away to another realm and I would say that it was the book that got me into reading other fantasy novels.  Stardust is an entertaining modern fairytale, and is a book that I think I will go back to time and time again.



5.  The Silver Linings Playbook - Matthew Quick

"There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself." 

Another book that deals with mental illness as a theme.  For me, it's important to deal with mental illness because, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, it's something that has affected my life a great deal.  I love this book because it shows life with a mental illness from the viewpoint someone who is still suffering and someone who has technically 'recovered' but still has to deal with the shadow that depression casts over you, constantly threatening you.  The Silver Linings Playbook was full of passages that made me shout: "YES!  I FEEL THAT TOO!"  or put into words that disjointed thoughts that run through my head.  It also inspired me; that, like the quote above says, you can like the parts of you that are less than perfect, it's okay to be messy, sloppy, or a little bit of a fuck up. I'm not there yet but it gives me hope.  The film adaptation differs quite a lot, but boils down to pretty much the same message.  I'm all for books, films, whatever bring mental illnesses into the forefront of our mind.  It's not something to be ashamed of, we need to talk about it, we need to address it.  All in all, I love this book because it reflects real life, we don't all have happy endings, sometimes things are a lot less than perfect, but if we look for something, anything positive, it will help us survive.

Also, massive kudos to Matthew Quick, I tweeted to say how much I enjoyed the book and he replied, showing his thanks.  Kindness makes everyone smile :-)